What the Hell is Tapenade

I LOVE bloopers.  I even like the word.  BLOOPER.  Scott Prather (ESPN 1420) posted a link to Dish Network's outtakes from Peyton Manning's commercial.  You can click here to see the clip for NFL Sunday Ticket bloopers from Scott's blog.



Scott's blog post correctly notes that many tapenade recipes include anchovies (EWWWW!) which tends to make the tapenade too salty.  Recognizing this, I created a recipe for tapenade that uses sauteed vegetables along with the olives to taste great and still be tapenade-y.

So what?  Hey if Peyton Manning likes tapenade and football.  Together.  Maybe you should try it too.

You can spread it on a muffaletta sandwich - which is a delicious Italian sandwich with meats and cheese - like a sub, only better.  Click here for a muffaletta recipe from the Serious Eats blog.  And... be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page to read comments from pompous gas-bags spouting off about the "True Muffaletta" characteristics.  Lighten up people - it's food.

Olive Tapenade

2 dozen pitted olives - green and kalamata mix

5 medium white mushrooms

1/2 medium onion

1 large celery stalk

olive oil

fresh lemon juice

Coarsely chop all the veggies and toss them into a skillet with olive oil.  Sweat until done about 5 minutes.  Add more olive oil until coated and a teaspoon of lemon juice.  Grind fresh pepper to taste. Mix well.  Chill.  You too.

There's Something About Mary

Any freakin' thing you can think of - somebody has put it into a Bloody Mary.  Much like the martini, there is no ONE recipe for a Bloody Mary!  There is room for discussion on the topic naturally because opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one. 


I have had Bloody Marys handed to me in a glass just STUFFED with food: celery, mushrooms, asparagus, onion, cheese, pickle, beef stick, olives.  It's a meal in a glass.

My thought: with all that food in there, it's time to take the meal out of the glass.  The Bloody Mary deconstructed has all the makings of a meal.  The challenge is to put all that in there and make it work as a salad.  Why a salad?  It's freakin' hot outside!

Now you will notice in the above photo a fabulous salad of fresh tomatoes, beef carpaccio, and grilled asparagus.  Next to the salad plate is an olive tapenade, horseradish sauce, a loaded cheese grater, and frozen vodka.  You know what goes into a great Bloody Mary recipe?  Same stuff my friend...

Let's break it down.  I've got sliced tomatoes subbing for the tomato juice.  There's your nice acidity.  Top that with some extra virgin olive oil and a nice balsamic glaze.  Beef carpaccio - that's Italian for sliced really damn thin.  Or when you're a lazy shit like me, slice it thicker and pound it thin (hey don't judge).  Tomato, beef and grilled asparagus (better than pickled) make up the base of the salad.

Top the salad with olive oil and a squeeze of lemon, a little salt and pepper AND grated black pepper BellaVitano cheese.  It's made in Plymouth, Wisconsin and it's delicious!  Click on the link and check it out.


Now the other stuff that goes into a Bloody Mary: olives, celery, mushroom, onion - there's my tapenade!  That goes on top of tomatoes, beef, bread, chicken, fish - anything and it is yummy! I will put a recipe link for it and you tell me how awesome it is!  Look on the tab bar...


The other thing people will put in a Bloody (short for Bloody Mary) is more spice.  Tabasco: ehh... been that done there, jalapeno: what the hell ever..., horseradish: WAIT!  that goes with my beef!  YES!  YES!  YES!  Done!


And of course vodka.  Tito's (made in America, by Americans dammit!) frozen, served in chilled glasses with a squeeze of lemon.  I challenge my friend Matt (go see him at Social Urban Bar & Restaurant) to take this Bloody Mary over the top!)


Serve chilled with chill music and chill friends.