Did I Mention How Much I Hate Paula Deen?

She's at it again.  That butter-glazed bitch from the South has her own food company!  You need to be warned!  Be vigilant!  Celebrity worship is truly the Fast Lane To Damnation.




Click here for a link to a Huffingtonpost.com article to read all about Paula's "Finishing Butter", Tortilla Chips, and Chocolates.  

I wish I was effing making this up.  

For you, I have traveled to hell and back (Paula's website) to bring the details to light of "Finishing Butter" a la Paula.  This quote directly from Pauladeen.com:

          I’ll also be sharing with y’all my new grilling finishing butters that lets us all cook with butter as a “finishing” ingredient, using my favorite taste of butter in moderation.  My grilling butter is amazing on steak, fish, shrimp or shellfish, its great on potatoes or pasta – it goes with everything.  I also am makin’ other great varieties, of butter including Citrus Zest Butter, Lemon Dill Butter, European-Style Butter, and Garden Herb Butter, all available in Walmart stores across the country.

I am gagging as I type this.  Thank God I will never be exposed to this corrupt, money-grubbing Butter Bitch and her ridiculous foods - because I will never enter a Walmart store.

Let's break down the quote from the Deen of Dairy: 
1.  Anyone else tired of the "Y'all" thing?  There is no reason for her to remind us in print of her Southern heritage.  We know, Paula.  Okay?  We know.
2.  Butter as a "finishing ingredient" is freaking genius Paula.  You mean like finishing salt?  Or a drizzle of vinegar?  A sauce is a nice finishing ingredient.  Oh wait!  You mean BUTTER.
3.  It goes with everything.  That's a great way to round out a meal.  Butter on everything.
4.  You are "makin'" other great varieties of butter? Geez Paula!  You're not makin' - you're selling!  Note the damn "g" on the end of the word?  You're welcome.
5.  Fucking Walmart?  Are you kidding?  If it was a real culinary weapon in my kitchen arsenal it would be in a real grocery chain.

You want to know what the real problem is with this crap?  Not Paula making more money.  

Paula!  You have a cooking show!  Teach people how to make compound butter on your show! Here is a link to a tilapia recipe I posted with a simple compound butter.  It's not hard Paula.  Even you could teach this.  And you would not have to sell processed foods to your loyal fans.

Instead you post recipes for fish (good for you Paula!  fish!) that include reduced sauces containing heavy cream PLUS your goddamn butter.  Your recipes suck. 

Common Sense and Wal-Mart Sucks

 (Warning: story from my childhood and learning a lesson at the end.  But first here's an anti Wal-Mart rant!)

Ask any guy if he is logical!  "Oh hell yeah!  I'm rational, sane, and logical like Spock!")  Yeah... sure we are... um hmmm...  Cooking can be like a logic puzzle.  The process goes like this:  What are you going to make?  Think about flavors: on the plate, working together, finished product.  Work backwards.  When does this need to come off the stove?  Okay, how long is it going to take to cook?  Fine, what time to start it then?  Good, now what goes into it?  Does that need to be chopped?  Big pieces or diced?

That's the process and it gets easier each time you do it.  You (and you alone) know the ins and outs of your pan thickness and BTU's of your grill and how that will affect cooking time.  What's the grilling time for a hamburger versus a chicken breast?

You've got to think a little about what you're doing.  Michael Ruhlman wrote an excellent book on technique - one of which is THINKING.  Not thinking can wreck your dinner.  Here's an example:  An actual recipe from the spawn of the Evil Empire that is Wal-Mart.  This recipe from Sam's Club for Roasted Garlic and Herb Steaks calls for grilling a strip steak over direct high heat for 15 to 20 minutes!  For medium-rare!

I am in no way disrespecting the chefs hired by the Wal-Mart clan who created and published this recipe...  Oh screw that!  Of course I am!  Wake up moron!  Gordon Ramsay would kick your ass!  15 to 20 minutes on direct high heat?  Strip steak?  WTF?  Unless you've got a steak like the Flintstones Brontosaurus Ribs, that steak is destined to be crap!.
Do you really want to spend good money for a steak and end up eating the culinary equivalent of shredded tire tread from a semi along the highway?  Even a raccoon would walk away from that.  So I guess Wal-Mart wants you to waste your money, not save your money.  Do yourself a favor - get to know your local butcher and support small business.  Think, plan, be prepared.

(Here's the story from my early cooking days wherein there was not much thinking going on...)
One of my first real cooking experiences with a friend - went to Illinois Beach State Lodge with John Galang.  He had the great idea that we were going to get up early and hang out on the beach of Lake Michigan.  Bring food, build small fire, do some fishing - hang out all day.

What would be better than blueberry pancakes on the beach first thing in the morning with the sun coming up?

Maybe a pan to cook them in.

Also a spatula.

Back packs?  Check.  Blueberries?  Check.  Matches?  Got 'em.  That was about it.  I'd like to tell you that I rose to the occasion and found a way to make something out of nothing.  I'd like to say that those were the best pancakes I ever ate.  Nah.  We did "cook" something but it in no way resembled a blueberry pancake.  Cooked them on aluminum fail - I mean foil.  Hanging out at the beach all day turned into, "God, this sucks."  Got back on our bikes and we were home eating a hot dog by 12:30.

Lesson learned.  Be prepared.  Wal-Mart sucks.