5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen

Sorry, Y'All!  I jest cain't help it...  The woman drives me nuts.  The Southern cooking show queen turned diabetic, Paula Deen was quoted, "I think a few people who have access to a TV camera and ink wanted to hate on me for coming down with something.  But I so don't worry about it."  Well good for you Paula.  Don't give a thought to my 5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen list either.

1. Stupid Fake Smile  - check this out...

She tips her head left, she tips her head right.  Same over-the-top, look-at-me, I'm Paul Deen cheese.

Burger with donuts!

     2.  Ridiculous Food - She claims to cook Southern-style comfort food.  Paula, plumping up your butt for ease in sitting on hard chairs is not what they mean by comfort food.  Everyone has heard by now of the insane episode where she makes a burger with egg, bacon, and uses glazed donuts instead of buns ... or how about the Deep Fried Cheesecake episode http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oUVwyFsZI  with 1/4 cup sugar, 24 ounces cream cheese, 1 more cup sugar, white chocolate, semisweet chocolate, powdered sugar, chocolate sauce and whipped cream, oh and eggs.  Shit.

3.  Selling diabetes medications.  Well all the celebrities are doin' it y'all.  That's like a pusher giving kids heroin so he can sell them more later.  Hey Bitch.  Cashing those checks from Novo Nordisk aren't ya?  http://www.novonordisk.com/  (Full disclosure - I'm a doctor and I see diabetics everyday and the consequences.  This is a tough disease and these companies are saving lives.  But medication without lifestyle changes are a drain on the healthcare system.)

4.  New diet in People magazine.  After getting fat and happy (literally) pushing stupid insane "Comfort Food" Y'all while hiding her diabetic condition - NOW she figures out that her plate should have a whole lot more vegetables and fish on it.

5.  ANOTHER celebration of the latest celebrity to get clean or lean!  Hooray!  Where are the celebrations for those individuals who stay clean or lean all along?  "Oh, Paula Deen lost 30 pounds by eating healthy!  Wow!  Isn't that great?  Maybe I can do it too!"  Well some of us don't have 30 pounds to lose so you can shower us with admiration.  You know why?  Because we never ate four cups of sugar with a pound of melted butter chaser in one sitting.  Like the prodigal son we are supposed to welcome Paula into the fold of the healthy and celebrate her finding the light (meals) blah blah blah.

Do yourself a favor, click on a fish recipe on my page or any page anywhere on the internet and find something you like about it.

Meanwhile Paula Deen will continue to cash checks from endorsement deals for everything from ham and cream cheese to diabetes medication and smiles her smarmy-fake smile for People magazine.  What a bunch of deep-fried baloney.

Funky Yummy Popcorn in Slo-Mo

Anything in slow motion is cool.  Add music and it's powerful, riveting stuff.  Behold the power of the montage.
Even commercials for golf tournaments use montages to make the sport exciting.

Quick aside:  You know damn well watching a golf tournament is three mind-numbing hours of green grass and bad pants.  (Congratulations to Rickie Fowler by the way: cool guy, bad clothes.)  Seriously, click on his name here and see his "collection".  Geez.  If I dressed like that?  Chicks dig wealthy guys who dress like that, but everyone else who dresses like that - no effin way!  I happen to like golf and I even watch on TV sometimes, but I'd rather play than watch.

Can slow motion make truly anything cool?  Let's see...  Try clicking here to see popcorn popping in slo-mo!  It's totally cool and one of the guys gets spattered with oil.  What's funny about that?  Are you kidding?  What's NOT funny about that!

Now why am I showing you popcorn?  Because I have this recipe see...

Click on the recipe page in the bar above.  You did notice that I put recipes up there for you, right?  Who cares about you more than anyone (besides your mom)?  That would be me.  Feel free to print them out and  share with chicks who dig you.

We had some amazing fries with truffle-oil, parmesan, and fresh pepper and I had the idea to make the same thing with popcorn.  It's my favorite snack in the world.  Every time I make this popcorn at home I get requests for more.

One word about truffle oil:  the earthy, funky flavor of a strong mushroom is not used in truffle oil.  It's actually olive oil with a synthetic additive (a thioether 2,4-dithiapentane).  Sexy, right?  Well truffles are expensive.  Like Rickie Fowler can afford them but not me type expensive.  But whatever...I'm not going to get all purist on you - it's the flavor that matters here.

And keeping your chick happy.  Dig that.

We're Being Invaded

Giant Asian shrimp are being found on our shores!     WE NEED BUTTER.  LOTS OF BUTTER!
Before any real panic sets in, we here at Chicks Dig Oceanographers Who Cook are going to calm your fears.  If the delicate ecosystem cannot sustain giant shrimp, bring them my way.  I know what to do with those  bad crustaceans.  Two movie references already?


The real concern is the giant shrimp are voracious eaters and are feeding on smaller shrimp (yeah, weird...they eat their own kind) and they are upsetting the delicate balance of our ecosystem.

Hmm... the giant shrimp are eating the small ones.  So?  You ever try peeling two dozen little things and dipping them in cocktail sauce?  What a pain in the ass.  Peel one giant one and munch that.  It's called efficiency baby.


Secondly, the balance of the native ecosystem?  Maybe we are witnessing an evolution of sorts.  Or perhaps like other species (Man for example), these yummy water-dwellers have been desperately trying to reach the Land of Opportunity!  America the Beautiful!  The NOAA website has the report on the science of this invasion.


I say, bring 'em on!  What else are the scientists freaking out about?


 Armored Catfish.  Yeah, I'd eat that.  His armor is no match for my Weber Grill!
 Northern Snakehead.  That bastard deserves to be eaten.  Clearly this guy is full of attitude - yup get my skillet.
  This thing has already been eaten and got pooped out.


   (all photos from http://news.yahoo.com/photos/freaky-fish-fuel-nightmares-slideshow/increase-massive-shrimp-discovered-gulf-photo-115900485.html.)


How about a recipe?  I'm here for you, sir.  We are going to need a sauce for the aqua-invaders. Everybody has a shrimp recipe...  Let's do fish.  Doug, why not shrimp?  Because I already have a fish picture and not a shrimp one, okay?

Salmon with lemon dill sauce.

1/2 Cup sour cream

2 teaspoons dill weed

juice from 1/4 lemon

salt and pepper to taste

salmon 

Mix the sour cream, dill, and lemon juice in a bowl and add salt and pepper to taste.  Both you and the sauce should chill for a while.

Brush olive oil on the salmon and season with salt and pepper.  Heat skillet over medium-high heat and sear salmon, skin side up for 3-4 minutes.  Carefully flip to skin side down and turn the heat down to medium to finish cooking.  Watch the sides to check for desired doneness.  I don't like salmon cooked to well-done.  When mine is medium-rare I turn the heat off and cover for five minutes.  

Top with yummy sauce.

Common Sense and Wal-Mart Sucks

 (Warning: story from my childhood and learning a lesson at the end.  But first here's an anti Wal-Mart rant!)

Ask any guy if he is logical!  "Oh hell yeah!  I'm rational, sane, and logical like Spock!")  Yeah... sure we are... um hmmm...  Cooking can be like a logic puzzle.  The process goes like this:  What are you going to make?  Think about flavors: on the plate, working together, finished product.  Work backwards.  When does this need to come off the stove?  Okay, how long is it going to take to cook?  Fine, what time to start it then?  Good, now what goes into it?  Does that need to be chopped?  Big pieces or diced?

That's the process and it gets easier each time you do it.  You (and you alone) know the ins and outs of your pan thickness and BTU's of your grill and how that will affect cooking time.  What's the grilling time for a hamburger versus a chicken breast?

You've got to think a little about what you're doing.  Michael Ruhlman wrote an excellent book on technique - one of which is THINKING.  Not thinking can wreck your dinner.  Here's an example:  An actual recipe from the spawn of the Evil Empire that is Wal-Mart.  This recipe from Sam's Club for Roasted Garlic and Herb Steaks calls for grilling a strip steak over direct high heat for 15 to 20 minutes!  For medium-rare!

I am in no way disrespecting the chefs hired by the Wal-Mart clan who created and published this recipe...  Oh screw that!  Of course I am!  Wake up moron!  Gordon Ramsay would kick your ass!  15 to 20 minutes on direct high heat?  Strip steak?  WTF?  Unless you've got a steak like the Flintstones Brontosaurus Ribs, that steak is destined to be crap!.
Do you really want to spend good money for a steak and end up eating the culinary equivalent of shredded tire tread from a semi along the highway?  Even a raccoon would walk away from that.  So I guess Wal-Mart wants you to waste your money, not save your money.  Do yourself a favor - get to know your local butcher and support small business.  Think, plan, be prepared.

(Here's the story from my early cooking days wherein there was not much thinking going on...)
One of my first real cooking experiences with a friend - went to Illinois Beach State Lodge with John Galang.  He had the great idea that we were going to get up early and hang out on the beach of Lake Michigan.  Bring food, build small fire, do some fishing - hang out all day.

What would be better than blueberry pancakes on the beach first thing in the morning with the sun coming up?

Maybe a pan to cook them in.

Also a spatula.

Back packs?  Check.  Blueberries?  Check.  Matches?  Got 'em.  That was about it.  I'd like to tell you that I rose to the occasion and found a way to make something out of nothing.  I'd like to say that those were the best pancakes I ever ate.  Nah.  We did "cook" something but it in no way resembled a blueberry pancake.  Cooked them on aluminum fail - I mean foil.  Hanging out at the beach all day turned into, "God, this sucks."  Got back on our bikes and we were home eating a hot dog by 12:30.

Lesson learned.  Be prepared.  Wal-Mart sucks.

I Have Seen The Future

Glad Torsdag!  (That's Happy Thursday to my Swedish friends)

I have seen the future and it is aquaponics.  

This is a symbiotic system for growing plants and raising fish using 10% of the water used in traditional farming.  It uses no soil - allowing urban farms to feed people where traditional farming is non-existent.  Aquaponics can be small-scale for home growers or large-scale commercial farms with practically no pollution.

 Check out 312 Aquaponics  If you are familiar with 312 Urban Wheat beer, you know that 312 is the area code in Chicago.  We here at Chicks Dig Central love Goose Island Products (see the Matlida blog post here for a kick-ass tuna recipe)!

A perusal of other website information on the subject will yield anything from classy blogs like Sylvia Berstein's excellent resource Aquaponic Gardening to goofy-ass bunker-living, gun-toting "Planners" who see this technology as their survival plan for Armageddon-end of the world-Mayan Doomsday scenarios.  (This one is pretty funny though...)

Now if you know for a FACT that your chick would dig you being THAT GUY, then by all means...

(picture from nationalgeographic.com)

 I personally will not be "Prepping" but this aquaponics should be on everyone's radar.  Particularly YOU - Guy who knows how to cook stuff.  You are going to be a superstar when all this delicious fish is being harvested.  (But Doug, how do I cook fish so it isn't dry and smelly?)

Glad you asked!  

Skillet Tilapia with Lemon-Cilantro Butter

4 Tablespoons softened butter

Juice of 1/2 lemon

fresh cilantro

2 thawed tilapia fillets

Combine first three ingredients in a bowl and mix well.  Set aside.

Heat non-stick skillet with one tablespoon olive oil over medium heat.  Add tilapia fillets and season lightly with salt and pepper.  Leave them the hell alone.  When the edges are white and the middle has only a little "pink" left, turn off the heat and cover.  Leave them the hell alone for about 4 minutes so they finish cooking.  I even have a photo for you!  (I know, it's crazy how much I care...)

Carefully slide them onto a plate and top with the lemon butter for an instant, yummy sauce.

Got it?  Serve with a crisp salad (grown aquaponically or not) and a nice Goose Island beer.  Watch out for prepping nut jobs.

More fish recipes in the book Chicks Dig Guys That Cook and some pretty funny stuff too...  Thanks for playing along!