Orange Segments With Bourbon - Chocolate Cream

So the photographer from the Rockford Register Star came over today to take some shots of my food.  I wanted to make something quick - but not the same thing I did the last time I was photographed for the paper.

Remember how Forrest Gump had to go meet the President, AGAIN?  My contention is that if you live in Rockford long enough you'll end up in the paper.  For me, AGAIN - that's cool.

So I whipped up a cool dessert bite that I made for the class I taught at WomanSpace.

First, you need to know how to segment an orange Click here for a video to see how to do it

Then, make the whipped cream:

     1/2 cup organic heavy cream
     1 tsp sugar
     1/4 tsp vanilla
     2 tsp finely grated dark chocolate
     2 tsp good bourbon

Add the first 4 ingredients to a mixing bowl.  Whip until starting to thicken.  Add bourbon and whip until fully thickened.  Let chill for 10 minutes.

Place dollop of bourbon cream on plate or in a spoon.  Top with one orange segment.  Sprinkle more grated dark chocolate.  Add mint leaf for garnish.

So the funny thing is when I offer the photographer a taste, he says, "Holy crap!  That's good."

Then he was off to take pictures at a local cocktail lounge.  I'll bet they didn't give him anything that made him say "Holy crap!"

Salmon Sliders

Salmon sliders are great for a fun snack at a party or for a casual meal.  The chunky avocado pops with fresh-squeezed lime.  The salmon has a spicy pan-sear and the creamy, heady gorgonzola rounds out the fresh flavors.

  Ingredients

     Salmon filets

     Avocados

     Limes, plus extra for drizzling

     Gorgonzola

     Slider-style buns

     Salt, Pepper, Sugar, Cayenne

Make the avocado spread first.  Coarsely chop avocado and add to mixing bowl.  Squeeze fresh lime juice (one lime for every two avocados).  Season with salt, pepper.  Mix gently - there should still be some small bits of avocado.  Set aside to chill.

Heat oven to 350 degrees.  Season salmon filets with salt, pepper, pinch of sugar, and pinch of cayenne.  Heat an oven-safe skillet on stove over high heat.  Add one tablespoon olive oil to skillet.  Carefully place salmon in skillet skin side up.  Don't stir, poke, slide pan, or disturb the salmon in any way for at least 3 minutes.  You want to see that nice searing crust form.  Then, gently turn salmon skin side down and place in oven for 7-10 minutes.

Remove from oven and slide a knife under the filet between the fish and the skin to remove.  

While the fish rests, build your sliders with avocado on the bun, top with salmon, sprinkle on crumbled gorgonzola.  Squeeze fresh lime over all and dig in.

What, no jokes?  No Paula Deen bashing?  Nah.  Eat something good and have some fun.

Oooh Mommy

Those familiar with the "Four" Tastes: Sweet, Sour, Salty and Bitter are probably also aware that there is a new kid in town.  There is a fifth taste that has been identified: Umami.  Click here to read a cool post from NPR about umami

Umami roughly translated from Japanese means "Damn!  That is yummy!"  You would pronounce umami as "Oooh Mommy".  

So what is it exactly?  It is L-glutamate apparently.  It is the fifth taste that our tongues can identify and I got some Damn Yummy for you right here.

Pumpkin Ravioli

Pumpkin Ravioli with portobello mushrooms, cranberries, toasted pecans, etc.  You can buy the pumpkin ravioli premade and frozen.  It cooks pretty quickly so get a big pot of water boiling but make this sauce first.  I use the dried mushrooms because when you hydrate them, the mushroom broth that's left over is umami delicious.

Recipe goes like this:

• Pumpkin Ravioli
• 2/3 cup Dried Cranberries
• 1/2 cup Dried Portobello Mushrooms
• 2/3 cup Chopped Pecans
• 1/2 Medium Onion Diced
• Fresh Parmesan
• 2 TbsPesto
• 2 Tbs Olive Oil plus more for drizzling
• 2 Tbs Honey
• Salt, Pepper to taste

Rinse the mushrooms briefly and put into one cup warm water to hydrate for 10 minutes or so.  Remove the mushrooms, reserving the broth.  Meanwhile get your pot of water boiling.

Place the chopped pecans into a pan and toast them (dry) over medium heat until fragrant - about 5-6 minutes.  Stir them occasionally so they don't burn.  Set them aside in a bowl for later.

Return the pan to medium heat, add 2 tablespoons olive oil and saute the onions for 5 minutes.  Add the cranberries, mushrooms, and pecans - season with salt and pepper.  Heat 3-4 minutes and add one half cup mushroom broth.  Simmer for 5 minutes and add pesto, stirring well.

Add honey and mix well.  Pour in more mushroom broth to desired consistency.  Want it thinner?  Add more.  Like it thicker, add less.  It's your world.

Cook ravioli until it floats to the top of the water.  Drain well.

Dish ravioli, top with sauce, sprinkle fresh parmesan and drizzle with olive oil.

Quinoa pretzels

She-Who-Digs-Me found an awesome deal on pretzels.  One pound bag for a buck!  Ha!  She is always finding good deals on stuff...  But bag of pretzels???  Yummy, crispy, fat-free snacks!  WooHoo!

Now I'm thinking, "Don't want to be a Nutri-Nazi here, but that's a bunch of carbs... and I know me"

I'm not into sweets and stuff.  Never really was.  People say that's so lucky!!!  Nah... Just don't care for the taste.  Not sure why.  Just not my thing.  But give me a bag of chips and LOOK OUT!

So here's this nice bag of pretzels - I remember doing my "Better Bread" thing (page 120 of the cookbook for those of you keeping track...) and putting yummy stuff on a loaf of bread to bake.  Realizing I have this 7-Seed mix in the pantry, naturally thoughts turned to put that on pretzel - cuz it's kind of like bread - only tiny bite-sized loaves with salt.

I grabbed the 7-Seed mix and saw the ingredients include QUINOA!  Quinoa (pronounced "keen-wha") is a ridiculously yummy, healthy grain.  All the rage...blahblahblah.  Click here to read all the health benefits of quinoa.  Pretty awesome!

Then I'm thinking, "Whaaaaa?  Healthy grain on a yummy snack?  Count me in."

Sooooo.... I baked my pretzels with a garlic, quinoa, sesame seed coating - and - it - is - GREAT!

Here's how...

I used half the bag of pretzels... (4cups of pretzels, okay?)
4 Tbs melted butter
1tsp quinoa
1tsp sesame seeds
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp seasoned salt
1/2 tsp dried dill weed

Combine all except the pretzels and mix well.  Add the pretzels and stir to coat well.  Bake at 325 degrees for 15 minutes - stirring every 5 minutes or so.

Snack healthier!  I'm going to try this on popcorn soon...

Did I Mention How Much I Hate Paula Deen?

She's at it again.  That butter-glazed bitch from the South has her own food company!  You need to be warned!  Be vigilant!  Celebrity worship is truly the Fast Lane To Damnation.




Click here for a link to a Huffingtonpost.com article to read all about Paula's "Finishing Butter", Tortilla Chips, and Chocolates.  

I wish I was effing making this up.  

For you, I have traveled to hell and back (Paula's website) to bring the details to light of "Finishing Butter" a la Paula.  This quote directly from Pauladeen.com:

          I’ll also be sharing with y’all my new grilling finishing butters that lets us all cook with butter as a “finishing” ingredient, using my favorite taste of butter in moderation.  My grilling butter is amazing on steak, fish, shrimp or shellfish, its great on potatoes or pasta – it goes with everything.  I also am makin’ other great varieties, of butter including Citrus Zest Butter, Lemon Dill Butter, European-Style Butter, and Garden Herb Butter, all available in Walmart stores across the country.

I am gagging as I type this.  Thank God I will never be exposed to this corrupt, money-grubbing Butter Bitch and her ridiculous foods - because I will never enter a Walmart store.

Let's break down the quote from the Deen of Dairy: 
1.  Anyone else tired of the "Y'all" thing?  There is no reason for her to remind us in print of her Southern heritage.  We know, Paula.  Okay?  We know.
2.  Butter as a "finishing ingredient" is freaking genius Paula.  You mean like finishing salt?  Or a drizzle of vinegar?  A sauce is a nice finishing ingredient.  Oh wait!  You mean BUTTER.
3.  It goes with everything.  That's a great way to round out a meal.  Butter on everything.
4.  You are "makin'" other great varieties of butter? Geez Paula!  You're not makin' - you're selling!  Note the damn "g" on the end of the word?  You're welcome.
5.  Fucking Walmart?  Are you kidding?  If it was a real culinary weapon in my kitchen arsenal it would be in a real grocery chain.

You want to know what the real problem is with this crap?  Not Paula making more money.  

Paula!  You have a cooking show!  Teach people how to make compound butter on your show! Here is a link to a tilapia recipe I posted with a simple compound butter.  It's not hard Paula.  Even you could teach this.  And you would not have to sell processed foods to your loyal fans.

Instead you post recipes for fish (good for you Paula!  fish!) that include reduced sauces containing heavy cream PLUS your goddamn butter.  Your recipes suck. 

Rainy Days

When life feels like:

Eating hot-buttered toast in a cold, pouring rain.

And you could use an umbrella...

Be someone's umbrella today

Lime - Tequila Wings

Springtime is Grill Time

I am sick of winter - sick of snow - sick of warming up the car before going anywhere.  Everything takes so much work, too much time.  Probably the only great thing about winter is Christmas (well the holidays in general). 

Thanksgiving is fun but demands a shit load of work.  The menu gets planned a week or two in advance.  Shopping, cleaning, prepping, blah blah blah.  The actual meal itself takes hours (hours!) to make and in twenty minutes it's over.  Then more cleaning.  Once that's done, then - and only then - is my favorite part: drinking and playing family games.

Christmas is exhausting: more planning, shopping, cleaning.  Add in decorating, more shopping, wrapping.  Weeks in the planning and in twenty minutes it's over.  Clean all that up and (don't forget Christmas dinner!) after that... drinking and playing family games.  See a pattern here?

Then January, February - pfbbbbbbt.  (That's the stick your tongue out and blow sound.)

Yeah, it's winter and I'm enjoying that cigar - making
the now-famous Lime Tequila Wings!

Why can't we just drink and play games and get right to the good stuff?  (That's called college...)

Kids have it easy - bundle up, go outside and play in the snow.  By high school, you adopt that Too-Cool-For-The-Room attitude and building a snowman is off the radar.  In college, drinking and playing games (usually drinking games) LEADS to playing outside in the snow!  The shitty thing about being an adult is how much freaking work it takes to have fun.  Especially in the  long, dark, boring, crappy winter months.

Well here it is... Spring is just around the corner.  Easier to get out and go!  Get out and do!  Golfing, grilling, (kick your feet up and light up a cigar) YEAH BABY!   
I feel myself turning the corner and ready to share moronic observations and culinary adventures and kitchen disasters.  Enjoy life, laugh a little bit.  Let's go...

THE Lime Tequila Wings - to be pronounced the same way
they say, "THE Ohio State University"

 Yep.  It's worth it - braving the cold, liquid courage (liquid furnace?) in hand, working the grill!  See ya out there...

Mark Zuckerberg, You're Fired

I have realized that I spend a great deal of time just reading about other people's lives.  Not that other people are not funny or interesting.  It's the time.  I could spend hours clicking and reading.  Following threads and posts.  At the end of all that, what do I have?  Knowledge?  Not much.  Clarity?  Very little.  So I'm done.  No more Facebook.

This is just like when I was a kid and quit television cold turkey.  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  All that time wasted.  The hours ticked by and there I sat doing nothing.  I was all of twelve years old.

Turning on the TV after school was always the same: Gilligan's Island, Bewitched, Hogan's Heroes, Dick Van Dyke Show, and others.  Hours of sitting around with eyes glued to the set.  Day after day - every day. At least three hours of fake television laugh tracks even before dinner time.  Prime time television was even more time spent barely blinking.

Four to five hours per weekday totaled twenty to twenty-five hours.  BOOM!  That's one whole damn day! I was giving up an entire day of my week, every week.  In the years between age 7 to age 12, I had lost one whole year of my life sitting in front of the TV doing nothing.  (Yeah, I actually thought logically about stuff as a kid - some things never change.)

Giving up TV was weirdly liberating.  Now I am hoping for that same lift by giving up Facebook.

I still love writing and I'd like to continue my blog.  If you'd like to keep reading it, feel free.  You may find it easier to click the follower tab at the bottom of the page.  Or click the RSS feed.  Posts will be delivered to you.  Click on the comment below and share stuff if you'd like.  But if you've linked to the blog via Facebook in the past I won't be there.  The blog is not my problem - Facebook is my problem.  Not interested.

You may decide you are done reading blog posts that are wasting your time - that's cool.  Have fun - live life.

Until we eat again,
Doug

What the Hell is Tapenade

I LOVE bloopers.  I even like the word.  BLOOPER.  Scott Prather (ESPN 1420) posted a link to Dish Network's outtakes from Peyton Manning's commercial.  You can click here to see the clip for NFL Sunday Ticket bloopers from Scott's blog.



Scott's blog post correctly notes that many tapenade recipes include anchovies (EWWWW!) which tends to make the tapenade too salty.  Recognizing this, I created a recipe for tapenade that uses sauteed vegetables along with the olives to taste great and still be tapenade-y.

So what?  Hey if Peyton Manning likes tapenade and football.  Together.  Maybe you should try it too.

You can spread it on a muffaletta sandwich - which is a delicious Italian sandwich with meats and cheese - like a sub, only better.  Click here for a muffaletta recipe from the Serious Eats blog.  And... be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page to read comments from pompous gas-bags spouting off about the "True Muffaletta" characteristics.  Lighten up people - it's food.

Olive Tapenade

2 dozen pitted olives - green and kalamata mix

5 medium white mushrooms

1/2 medium onion

1 large celery stalk

olive oil

fresh lemon juice

Coarsely chop all the veggies and toss them into a skillet with olive oil.  Sweat until done about 5 minutes.  Add more olive oil until coated and a teaspoon of lemon juice.  Grind fresh pepper to taste. Mix well.  Chill.  You too.

A Beautiful Turd

It's 7:38 PM and I am outside with a scotch and a cigar licking my wounds because my roasted chicken didn't turn out right.  I am being a petulant turd.  Did you ever see "A Beautiful Mind"?  The scene where John Nash loses at the board game  -"The Hubris of the Defeated"  he claims the game is flawed, his play was perfect.

My roasted chicken was flawed, but my play was not perfect:  whole chicken, stuffed with fresh thyme, onion, lemon.  Seasoned with garlic, salt, pepper.  Oven baked for eighty minutes at 375...  it should have cooked all the way through.  It did not.  Damn.

Why?  AAAARRRGGGGHHH!  Well, I fucked up.  I ran out of propane for the grill.  I ALWAYS do this on the grill.  The grill thermometer reads 375.  It takes about an hour and twenty minutes on my grill.  I move to plan B... the oven.  Specifically the oven at 375.  Not the same thing...

My play was not perfect.  Nope.  Not done.  

I got impatient.  We are hungry.  Took it out, carved the breast meat.  The bird was giving me the bird.  Hahahaha!  You carnivorous bastard!  Still pink!

I'd love to say I microwaved the somewhat uncooked chicken, topped it with a marvelous sauce, poured more wine and salvaged the evening.  Nope.  Not suave.

The most recent issue of "Food & Wine" magazine has this sweet recipe from Grace Parisi for Scallops with Grapefruit and Bacon.  (I would give you a link here, but there is none!  God, could this day get any shittier?)  She (is awesome by the way...) says cook bacon at moderate heat until crisp ABOUT 3 MINUTES!  There is no freaking way bacon is going to be crisp on my stove after just 3 minutes!  Maybe hers, but not mine!

Lesson learned:  adjust times to your cooking modulus.  I have cooked bacon on my stove often enough to know that CRISP bacon is going to take longer than three fucking minutes.  I know the desired result.  Duh.  Bacon.  Crisp.  

I also know my stove.  And my oven.  And my grill.  The first rule in cooking something great (or at least good) - know your kitchen.  Then think about what you are doing.

The good news... tomorrow we will eat again.  I let you down, but I will be better.

By the way, John Nash turned that game theory into a Nobel Prize.

That chicken?  It's gonna be some awesome soup...take that you poultry bastard.  Until we eat again...  Peace.

Second City Sushi

Chopsticks: love 'em or hate 'em?  Did you catch the report on CNN about the American company that exports chopsticks to China (instead of the other way around)?  Georgia Chopsticks is an exporter of chopsticks and the company cannot keep up with the demand!

I happen to love chopsticks.  I learned to use chopsticks at an early age. When we were kids the choice of restaurant to celebrate our birthdays was DOMINATED by Benihana!  I loved watching the chef flipping knives, working fast, tapping rhythms with salt and pepper shakers.  This certainly was an influence and piqued my interest in learning to cook.

Sooo...  Fast forward.  Buddy of mine is in town, wants to take me to dinner.  I suggested a place near the office: Marc's Fusion Cafe for some amazing sushi.

You'd think he just ate a lemon.  His face contorts, his shoulders lift, "Sushi??  Ewww."

Dude.

It's fresh, it's fun.  Going out for sushi encourages chatting at the table, relaxing.  Not for Bob.

Okayyy... got me thinking here.  It's gotta be the very idea of raw fish.  (Now I know that "maki" is a sliced roll and "sashimi"  is a piece of fish, but we're gonna go with this one...)

Uncooked fish making you squirm a bit?  Fine.  Try my Second City Sushi!  We live in the Midwest!  It's steak and potato with a red-wine reduction for the sauce.  (Umm...Doug, why not just make a steak and potato?)  Good question, glad ya asked!

1. Small pieces, you can eat with your hands!  (Dudes love finger food!)  
2. Lots and lots of combinations here:

• Substitute chicken, pork, shrimp for the protein.  
• Substitute for the rice: potato, pasta, sprouts, cucumber (or leave the rice in there)

      3.  It's fun  (Gee it seems like a lot of work)  Yeah - but fun sometimes means work - ever go camping?

Play with your food!  Let me know what you think!

You Will Never Be Jessica Simpson

Bread plus heat equals toast.  Toast plus more heat equals charcoal-like crap.  Too much of a good thing creates bad thing.  Gotta know when to quit.

One martini, good.  Five martini, bad.  (Latin plural of martini is what?  Martinaes?  Interesting, funny article on latin plurals can be found at http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2139/what-is-the-plural-of-penis)

The small paragraph above is another example of "Gotta know when to quit".  Should never have gone there with the whole Latin nonsense.  Didn't even take Latin in school.  I took French.  Four years in high school.  (The teacher was hot!  She drove a sports car, had long blonde hair...there were a lot of guys in that class.)

Apparently Jessica Simpson didn't know when to quit.  She confessed to eating anything she wanted during her pregnancy in an interview with USA Today , then was surprised when the weight didn't come off after delivery of the baby.

"I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant, and I wanted to enjoy it," Simpson told the paper. "I wanted to be happy and eat what I wanted."

I believe men have no business telling women what they can and cannot do.  (And vice-versa thankyouverymuch!)  I especially believe the evolved male will tread very lightly where weight issues are concerned when a woman is pregnant.

It is sad however that celebrities have carte blanche.  Fame and money allow them to give anyone and everyone the giant middle finger. Celebrities need, NEED our love and money! They can and do fall off the wagon du jour, and don't really give a shit about our forgiveness, yet ask for it anyway.  

Why do they not care?  Because there is always some corporate endorsement waiting for them.  (Hear that Paula Deen?)  Should you or I indulge in everything we want because it's our first time being pregnant (never thought I would type those words!) then pack on pounds, we will not be rewarded with a $4,000,000 endorsement deal from Weight Watchers to drop the added pounds.  Come on!  Four million dollars!??!  Shit...

I hope Jessica loses her baby-weight and stays healthy.  But we should all know by now that "happy" doesn't come from a fork.

Do yourself a favor, and soon: try eating from the "small plates" menu from your favorite restaurant.  Go to a tapas-style restaurant.  Eat light, linger, laugh a lot.

Be A Stud

Oven Poach - It Ain't That Damn Hard

Okay gentlemen... put down the tongs and step away from the grill.  If you are slapping your famous (insert meat of your choice here) on the grill and feeling like a hero, that's cool.  But you aren't cooking dinner if you aren't doing the side dish as well.

Specifically, if the One-You-Are-Out-To-Impress is doing everything else and handing you the raw meat on the platter, you may be feeling like The Shizzle.  (Dude nobody says that anymore.)  Really?  I just didn't think I could say you're The Shit.  I can?  Cool.

If you're feeling like doing everything: meat, rice, vegetable is too hectic a feat to pull off - I want you to feel awesome about yourself and impress the hell out of yourself as well as She-Who-Digs-You.  It's time to be a stud.


Try this: oven poaching.  Typically a poached meat is cooked on the stove in simmering liquid.  Nothing wrong with that, of course.  But I like the even, gentle heat of the oven.  If you put the fish (or chicken or whatev) in a baking dish and add just enough flavored broth to cover the bottom of the dish, the meat will have a yummy sauna to hang out in.  It gets all tender and juicy in the sauna sauce.

Sauna Sauce - Rich stock with fresh thyme, bay leaf and pepper!

The cool thing about oven-poaching is "you can't screw this up and it tastes fantastic".  Often when doing fish there is a very small window for doneness.  Two minutes less and your filet is still raw in the middle (frowns and pathetic pats on the arm); two minutes more and you got the typical, "oh it's too dry" (eye rolls when you're not looking, lots of water to wash it down).  Harsh, isn't it?

Here's the order of operations (math nerds rejoice!)

  Thaw the fish if it isn't already...

  Open a can of ready to use broth, put it in a pan with some pepper, herbs, etc.  Garlic?  Sure man!

  Simmer that for like 20 minutes while you have a drink.  You're setting the stage.  Chick noticing... um hmm

  Turn oven on to 375.  Smile like the badass you are.  (Oh, it's nothing... you want some more wine?)

  When the oven is up to temp, put all that stuff together in the baking dish and toss it in.

Sauteed Mushrooms with Cherry Tomatoes - going on top of the fish

  You've got like 15 to 20 minutes to put together the rest.  Can you handle it?  Hell yeah.  Uncle Ben's whole grain microwave rice (90 seconds!) and heat up a vegetable.  I did sauteed spinach (120 seconds!)  Figured I got time, I sauteed mushrooms, and tossed in quartered cherry tomatoes to top off the fish.

Got it?  Put it all on the plate.  This is a nice light meal leaving you plenty of room and calories to have a light dessert after.  Healthy, easy, smart.  Just like you - stud!

Be Good To Yourself

Be good to yourself.

This is a sexy refreshing cocktail that I made out of whatever we happened to have on hand.  The green stuff is fresh basil.  (Or do you say "baah sil"?)  No, you don't because that would sound stupid and pretentious.  Ahh screw it.  If it makes you laugh, do whatever you want.  We're all friends here.

The brown stuff is whiskey.  If I had bourbon on hand I would have done that, but I didn't.

The floating stuff is ice.  Yeah, duh.

What you don't see is the simple syrup.  Sugar, water and mixing.  How simple is that?  

You know what this recipe would be if you had rum?  And instead of baah sil you had mint?  It would be a mojito.  I did not want a mojito.  Watch Brian Griffin drink a mojito.  And I did not have mint.

 Put equal parts sugar and water into a glass and mash that up.  (There are better ways to do this involving boiling and cooling, but do you want to cook or do you want to drink?  Yeah, I thought so.)  Add a half dozen basil leaves and mash that up too.

Strain that into a glass and add whiskey.  Good stuff if you have it.  Add ice.  Swirl and enjoy.

Earlier this evening I was going to make dinner.  Mrs. Digs-Me was out for the evening.  Eating left-overs is not my thing, but it makes her happy when they get eaten.  I found some chicken, feta, couscous thing in the fridge.  That would be nice over some sauteed spinach...

It occurred to me to skip adding garlic to the oil.  It's just me after all.  Hey, screw that.  Add flavors!  You're worth it.  It's the little things!  Be good to yourself, my friends.

There's Something About Mary

Any freakin' thing you can think of - somebody has put it into a Bloody Mary.  Much like the martini, there is no ONE recipe for a Bloody Mary!  There is room for discussion on the topic naturally because opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one. 


I have had Bloody Marys handed to me in a glass just STUFFED with food: celery, mushrooms, asparagus, onion, cheese, pickle, beef stick, olives.  It's a meal in a glass.

My thought: with all that food in there, it's time to take the meal out of the glass.  The Bloody Mary deconstructed has all the makings of a meal.  The challenge is to put all that in there and make it work as a salad.  Why a salad?  It's freakin' hot outside!

Now you will notice in the above photo a fabulous salad of fresh tomatoes, beef carpaccio, and grilled asparagus.  Next to the salad plate is an olive tapenade, horseradish sauce, a loaded cheese grater, and frozen vodka.  You know what goes into a great Bloody Mary recipe?  Same stuff my friend...

Let's break it down.  I've got sliced tomatoes subbing for the tomato juice.  There's your nice acidity.  Top that with some extra virgin olive oil and a nice balsamic glaze.  Beef carpaccio - that's Italian for sliced really damn thin.  Or when you're a lazy shit like me, slice it thicker and pound it thin (hey don't judge).  Tomato, beef and grilled asparagus (better than pickled) make up the base of the salad.

Top the salad with olive oil and a squeeze of lemon, a little salt and pepper AND grated black pepper BellaVitano cheese.  It's made in Plymouth, Wisconsin and it's delicious!  Click on the link and check it out.


Now the other stuff that goes into a Bloody Mary: olives, celery, mushroom, onion - there's my tapenade!  That goes on top of tomatoes, beef, bread, chicken, fish - anything and it is yummy! I will put a recipe link for it and you tell me how awesome it is!  Look on the tab bar...


The other thing people will put in a Bloody (short for Bloody Mary) is more spice.  Tabasco: ehh... been that done there, jalapeno: what the hell ever..., horseradish: WAIT!  that goes with my beef!  YES!  YES!  YES!  Done!


And of course vodka.  Tito's (made in America, by Americans dammit!) frozen, served in chilled glasses with a squeeze of lemon.  I challenge my friend Matt (go see him at Social Urban Bar & Restaurant) to take this Bloody Mary over the top!)


Serve chilled with chill music and chill friends.

5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen

Sorry, Y'All!  I jest cain't help it...  The woman drives me nuts.  The Southern cooking show queen turned diabetic, Paula Deen was quoted, "I think a few people who have access to a TV camera and ink wanted to hate on me for coming down with something.  But I so don't worry about it."  Well good for you Paula.  Don't give a thought to my 5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen list either.

1. Stupid Fake Smile  - check this out...

She tips her head left, she tips her head right.  Same over-the-top, look-at-me, I'm Paul Deen cheese.

Burger with donuts!

     2.  Ridiculous Food - She claims to cook Southern-style comfort food.  Paula, plumping up your butt for ease in sitting on hard chairs is not what they mean by comfort food.  Everyone has heard by now of the insane episode where she makes a burger with egg, bacon, and uses glazed donuts instead of buns ... or how about the Deep Fried Cheesecake episode http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oUVwyFsZI  with 1/4 cup sugar, 24 ounces cream cheese, 1 more cup sugar, white chocolate, semisweet chocolate, powdered sugar, chocolate sauce and whipped cream, oh and eggs.  Shit.

3.  Selling diabetes medications.  Well all the celebrities are doin' it y'all.  That's like a pusher giving kids heroin so he can sell them more later.  Hey Bitch.  Cashing those checks from Novo Nordisk aren't ya?  http://www.novonordisk.com/  (Full disclosure - I'm a doctor and I see diabetics everyday and the consequences.  This is a tough disease and these companies are saving lives.  But medication without lifestyle changes are a drain on the healthcare system.)

4.  New diet in People magazine.  After getting fat and happy (literally) pushing stupid insane "Comfort Food" Y'all while hiding her diabetic condition - NOW she figures out that her plate should have a whole lot more vegetables and fish on it.

5.  ANOTHER celebration of the latest celebrity to get clean or lean!  Hooray!  Where are the celebrations for those individuals who stay clean or lean all along?  "Oh, Paula Deen lost 30 pounds by eating healthy!  Wow!  Isn't that great?  Maybe I can do it too!"  Well some of us don't have 30 pounds to lose so you can shower us with admiration.  You know why?  Because we never ate four cups of sugar with a pound of melted butter chaser in one sitting.  Like the prodigal son we are supposed to welcome Paula into the fold of the healthy and celebrate her finding the light (meals) blah blah blah.

Do yourself a favor, click on a fish recipe on my page or any page anywhere on the internet and find something you like about it.

Meanwhile Paula Deen will continue to cash checks from endorsement deals for everything from ham and cream cheese to diabetes medication and smiles her smarmy-fake smile for People magazine.  What a bunch of deep-fried baloney.

Funky Yummy Popcorn in Slo-Mo

Anything in slow motion is cool.  Add music and it's powerful, riveting stuff.  Behold the power of the montage.
Even commercials for golf tournaments use montages to make the sport exciting.

Quick aside:  You know damn well watching a golf tournament is three mind-numbing hours of green grass and bad pants.  (Congratulations to Rickie Fowler by the way: cool guy, bad clothes.)  Seriously, click on his name here and see his "collection".  Geez.  If I dressed like that?  Chicks dig wealthy guys who dress like that, but everyone else who dresses like that - no effin way!  I happen to like golf and I even watch on TV sometimes, but I'd rather play than watch.

Can slow motion make truly anything cool?  Let's see...  Try clicking here to see popcorn popping in slo-mo!  It's totally cool and one of the guys gets spattered with oil.  What's funny about that?  Are you kidding?  What's NOT funny about that!

Now why am I showing you popcorn?  Because I have this recipe see...

Click on the recipe page in the bar above.  You did notice that I put recipes up there for you, right?  Who cares about you more than anyone (besides your mom)?  That would be me.  Feel free to print them out and  share with chicks who dig you.

We had some amazing fries with truffle-oil, parmesan, and fresh pepper and I had the idea to make the same thing with popcorn.  It's my favorite snack in the world.  Every time I make this popcorn at home I get requests for more.

One word about truffle oil:  the earthy, funky flavor of a strong mushroom is not used in truffle oil.  It's actually olive oil with a synthetic additive (a thioether 2,4-dithiapentane).  Sexy, right?  Well truffles are expensive.  Like Rickie Fowler can afford them but not me type expensive.  But whatever...I'm not going to get all purist on you - it's the flavor that matters here.

And keeping your chick happy.  Dig that.

We're Being Invaded

Giant Asian shrimp are being found on our shores!     WE NEED BUTTER.  LOTS OF BUTTER!
Before any real panic sets in, we here at Chicks Dig Oceanographers Who Cook are going to calm your fears.  If the delicate ecosystem cannot sustain giant shrimp, bring them my way.  I know what to do with those  bad crustaceans.  Two movie references already?


The real concern is the giant shrimp are voracious eaters and are feeding on smaller shrimp (yeah, weird...they eat their own kind) and they are upsetting the delicate balance of our ecosystem.

Hmm... the giant shrimp are eating the small ones.  So?  You ever try peeling two dozen little things and dipping them in cocktail sauce?  What a pain in the ass.  Peel one giant one and munch that.  It's called efficiency baby.


Secondly, the balance of the native ecosystem?  Maybe we are witnessing an evolution of sorts.  Or perhaps like other species (Man for example), these yummy water-dwellers have been desperately trying to reach the Land of Opportunity!  America the Beautiful!  The NOAA website has the report on the science of this invasion.


I say, bring 'em on!  What else are the scientists freaking out about?


 Armored Catfish.  Yeah, I'd eat that.  His armor is no match for my Weber Grill!
 Northern Snakehead.  That bastard deserves to be eaten.  Clearly this guy is full of attitude - yup get my skillet.
  This thing has already been eaten and got pooped out.


   (all photos from http://news.yahoo.com/photos/freaky-fish-fuel-nightmares-slideshow/increase-massive-shrimp-discovered-gulf-photo-115900485.html.)


How about a recipe?  I'm here for you, sir.  We are going to need a sauce for the aqua-invaders. Everybody has a shrimp recipe...  Let's do fish.  Doug, why not shrimp?  Because I already have a fish picture and not a shrimp one, okay?

Salmon with lemon dill sauce.

1/2 Cup sour cream

2 teaspoons dill weed

juice from 1/4 lemon

salt and pepper to taste

salmon 

Mix the sour cream, dill, and lemon juice in a bowl and add salt and pepper to taste.  Both you and the sauce should chill for a while.

Brush olive oil on the salmon and season with salt and pepper.  Heat skillet over medium-high heat and sear salmon, skin side up for 3-4 minutes.  Carefully flip to skin side down and turn the heat down to medium to finish cooking.  Watch the sides to check for desired doneness.  I don't like salmon cooked to well-done.  When mine is medium-rare I turn the heat off and cover for five minutes.  

Top with yummy sauce.